The Memoir of a Welsh Teaboy
by ReginaRose
Summary: Ianto shares a bit of his struggle through life and caring for those in the Torchwood Hub. Slight mention of Slash, just a warning, see profile for standards. Warning: Canon, Jack Harkness, and Torchwood. Rating T


**Warning: Mentions of Slash that come with the show Torchwood and the character Jack Harkness.**

**I do not own any characters or places mentioned pertaining to the BBC TV show Torchwood. **

_Please no flames._

"Like you care, I clear up your shit, no questions asked, and you like it that way." ~ Ianto Jones, _Cyberwoman_

There is this inner voice inside me that wants to just yell at him to tell him to look at me like an actual human being, not just a toy or a servant. Jack notices the coffee and the flirting, but nothing else. I clear up every damn bloody thing that he throws at me. Before the incident with Lisa, I was nothing; I would have been invisible if it hadn't been for the excessive need of coffee. Now, I really am nothing. Owen ignores me; Jack hates me; Gwen can't look at me in the eyes; only sweet little Toshiko notices, but it was only after she had done the same thing with Mary.

Sometimes I just want to scream and swear at him; a lump rises in my throat and I can't get anything past it without tears coming out of my eyes. I think what I should say, but nothing comes out. And no one still doesn't notice me. Owen snarks and calls me "Teaboy." I just wish I had the courage or nerve to open my mouth and let him have it, but I don't. I don't understand why I don't have the courage to swear at him. I just keep my bloody mouth shut and try to let the snarks roll off my shoulders. I roll with the punches; I go with the blows. It hurts, but not as much. I try to ignore, but it's harder than that.

I'm wallowing in self-pity. My mam would have yelled at me to snap out of it, but I can't. The voice in my head is overpowering me. I can't let it slip out 'cause it will hurt anyone, whom it lashes out at. I have to protect my friends from my evil tongue that will do anyone harm. It takes such energy to keep it down. I have to hide where no CCTV cameras are because it brings me to tears. It's like having Mr. Hyde in my mind, snarking at every single thing that happens. "Just let them clean up their own shit." "They don't take any bloody notice of you, why serve them coffee." "Jack just sees you as a toy, not a lover, not a friend, just a toy." It hurts my head and I just crumple down when I go home and cry because it's so bad.

Is it me being jealous? Is it me wallowing in self-pity?

When Jack took on the Abaddon, he died. He didn't come back for a long time. I kne – hoped that he would, but he wasn't coming back. Gwen sat with him; she had eyes for him since she arrived. And I was still invisible. I went into his office and just stood in the middle of the room. I thought about what had happened the night before with Owen. Owen was right; Jack didn't ask me to go with him. He asked Gwen. Why the hell would he do that?

Then he left; Jack left us, left me. He ran after a blue police box that I had seen so many times in the Archives. It was the Doctor; Jack wasn't going to come back to me. I mourned for days in my flat, but I always put on a mask when I came into work. I locked Jack's coffee mug away so I couldn't look at it. The only person to notice how hard it was for me was Toshiko, sweet little Toshiko. Through the next four months, she held me when I cried in the archives. She always found me when I was about to break. She held me and let me rant at her about Jack.

"I apologize, Toshiko," I said quietly after I just finished a very colorful rant. Toshiko shook her head.

"It's nothing, Ianto," she said, sweetly, smiling kindly. "I just wish I could have had someone. I was thinking the same thing. It was like a monster was eating your very being."

I was stunned. I wasn't the only one who wasn't noticed. Tosh had her own problems.

"I'll always be there for you." I murmured, hugging the petite Asian woman. We both cried then for our loved ones, who didn't even notice us. It's like Jack, super and cursed in one swoop. Super 'cause we're invisible; it would be easy to catch the bad guys. But it was a curse because no one could see us, not even our significant other.

Jack is back now, and everything seemed to be better than it was. Jack's mug came out of jail, so to speak, and everything was back to normal (normal for Torchwood, anyway.) It still didn't help. I was still invisible to anyone else. And then Martha came. She was intuitive in every way that Jack, Gwen, and Owen weren't. She and I saw eye to eye and knew that we had been or were at one moment in time invisible. She told me about falling in love with the Doctor, who didn't even notice, and I told her about Jack. I told her of how I felt invisible even when Jack kisses me, how I felt like all I was good for was for making coffee and flirting with Jack.

Martha told me that I was better than that. She told me about the little voice in her head that griped at Rose, but Martha said that it went away once she decided to be a good friend to the Doctor, even though she still loved him to the end of her travels with him. I sat there silent, glad that I could talk to someone other than Tosh. I decided to get rid of the voice. It didn't finally go away until after Owen was shot.

My eyes were opened. Owen was now in my position. I felt like my breath was knocked out of my lungs. I was no longer a tea boy, but I felt bad. I felt guilty that Owen, a senior officer, was now a tea boy. I talked to Owen about it and he admitted to having this little voice in his head, griping at everyone, Jack mostly.

I took him to my flat and we talked. I told him about the voice that had once lived in my head. Owen was silent throughout my speech. He nodded, said thank you, and left. Later, at the Hub, I took Owen aside and told him that I would take care of the coffee. Owen thanked me. I told him that my job was the tea boy, nothing more. He didn't resent me anything. He was kind to me.

Then Gwen came to me. She graciously asked to have coffee with me. I gave her my time and she told me about this voice in her head. It griped at her and wanted me dead. I was stunned, but knew that Gwen was struggling with the same thing I had. I told her that I felt the same way; that the little voice eventually broke me down to tears. I told her that I was there for her, no matter what happened between us. I knew she was having doubts about marrying Rhys, her fiancée, and longtime boyfriend. I told her to take time off and to rediscover her delight in having Rhys in her life.

I felt better after that. I didn't hear the voice anymore. I knew that it might return, but it also might stay away. I prayed that it would stay away. When Jack's brother killed Tosh and Owen, I felt like my world had collapsed in on itself. My confidant, Toshiko Sato, was gone. My brother-in-arms, Owen Harper, was gone. No one to talk to; no one to laugh with; no one to relate to with that little voice inside my head. But I held my resolve and the team held. The voice did not come back. Jack and I came to see each other as not just flirtations and kisses, but as some kind of soul mates. Gwen and I became more like siblings.

I felt good that I had a chance to be free and to stay free of the voice. The voice never returned; not even when I saw my life flash before my eyes. I know today that I might die, and I will die free of the voice. I love Jack, Gwen, Owen, and Tosh, and even Martha. They are my family and I hope will all be free of those little voices inside their heads. I die, fighting for the future on behalf of my niece and nephew; the 21st century has definitely changed everything.

~Ianto Jones

Torchwood Archivist and Teaboy


End file.
